The Case for Waffle Fries

THE CASE FOR WAFFLE FRIES by Professor Dan Hundt, fry enthusiast and theoretical physicist in the field of potatonomical studies.


Certainly the most complex and elegant of all fry forms, the waffle fry can be enjoyed as a delectable salty snack, or can be used in a more scientific manner to demonstrate general relativistic concepts such as time dilation and length contraction in the spacetime continuum.

It is clear that there is no such thing as 'the perfect fry', only variations upon standard fry subsets that make certain fries more attractive to potential eaters and thusly dominant over other fries in their field. Since fry assessment based upon eating enjoyment is purely subjective and largely reliant on the eater's psychology and quality of his or her taste buds, I instead went in search of the most efficient fry, the fry which met all standard fry criteria most satisfactorily overall. My research into the subject not only increased my weight by fifteen pounds in just one week, it also lead me to conclude that the waffle fry reigns supreme in the fry kingdom.

As has already been stated, there is no 'perfect fry', at least not in the observable universe. Every fry has its advantages and disadvantages, and the waffle fry is certainly not without its flaws. For one, the vented design undermines the heat-retaining qualities of the potato-based foundation of the fry by introducing increased air flow throughout the waffle fry via the openings in the waffle pattern, though this effect only becomes apparent after approximately seven minutes of exposure to room temperature or below. The vented design, in tandem with the considerably larger diameter of the waffle fry in comparison to other fries, also introduces interesting problems with the waffle fry's aerodynamics. The wideness and unusual pattern of the waffle fry serve to increase wind drag when rapidly shoveling waffle fries into one's mouth, meaning waffle fries can not be eaten at a rate of speed even approaching that of the more aerodynamically adept French fry. At current estimates, the maximum speed of a waffle fry in an oxygen-based environment with Earth-like gravitational forces is approximately 21 meters per second, compared to an astounding 44 meters per second for the common French fry. However, some scientists have posited that the slower rate at which waffle fries can be consumed actually serves to increase the enjoyment of the eater, who is forced to savor the fry more slowly and acutely.

What the waffle fry lacks in heat retention and aerodynamics, it more than makes up for in the field of dipping and scooping capabilities. At a government missile testing facility in New Mexico, the waffle fry was scientifically proven to be able to hold more than eight times as much ketchup as an ordinary French fry or tater tot, and nearly twenty-three times as much chili. Its astonishing ability to accommodate condiments is made possible largely by the gentle curvature of the waffle fry, which gives it a bowl-like shape when positioned appropriately in relation to the horizon, and also gives the waffle fry a vastly superior strength-to-weight ratio to all other forms of fry, allowing the condiments a much higher vertical range than usual. Another contributing factor to the extraordinary condiment-carrying capability found in the waffle fry is the remarkable traction provided by the gritty and porous texture of the exterior, to which the molecules of condiments can readily bind. Though it should be noted that this traction is found in almost all forms of fry, it is applied most efficiently in the waffle fry, which commonly has fourteen times the surface area of an ordinary French fry.

From a psychological standpoint, the waffle fry is a more satisfying form of fry to eat than others based solely on its unusual appearance. A survey of more than 15,000 Americans concluded that 88% found eating waffles fries to be a more memorable experience than eating other forms of fry. Another study concluded that people could more accurately recall the size, shape, and other attributes of waffle fries they had eaten compared to other forms, and attributed this phenomenon to the waffle fry’s uncommon appearance, which caused the observer to pay closer attention to it prior to mastication than he or she ordinarily would with other variations of fry.

In conclusion, it is my opinion that the waffle fry is superior to all other forms of fry in spite of its apparent disadvantages in certain key areas. Through advances in engineering, I anticipate that the waffle fry will one day be improved to a point that its superiority will be utterly undeniable and all other forms of fry will be rendered obsolete. I expect this to occur no later than 2076 so that America may celebrate the tricentennial of its Declaration of Independence by finally ridding the land of French influence, replacing French fries with waffle fries, the true Freedom fries.